I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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