If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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