now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
