I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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