Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
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