So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
