It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
