They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
MIDGETS
????
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
