shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
