eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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