btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
