worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
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Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
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Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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