Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
