My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Someone shattered a urinal.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
