if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
