That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
