allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
