She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
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Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
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I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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