Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
