she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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