On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
