if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
