Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
