I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
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i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
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I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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