and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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