I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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