can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
