I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
