EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Oh god it's open bar.
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