That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
