no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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