After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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