The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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