I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Randomize
