I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
