Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
There r osticjed everywhere
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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