Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
