No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
