Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
