I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
