God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
