Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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