Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i just google imaged poop.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
