I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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