John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
