I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
