I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
