I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
