do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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