Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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