I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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