no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
