Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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