When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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