They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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