I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
