I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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