i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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