ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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