stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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