soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
